Let’s Talk About Fear

 

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Light Breaks Through A Darkened Cave

 

 

Let’s talk about the nature of fear, which is like an insidious disease that serves to rip apart the threads of self that bind together unity. I am speaking of the self as an individual, but also the self as a whole.  Fear, as the very opposite of Love, is not a balancing force. Although we can learn much from fear, fear should always be kept in check and allowed to be illuminated by the light of the true self which resides in the vibration of love.

If you examine the body that harbors fears and allows them to grow with all manner of thought forms, speech and action, you will find that a darkness is allowed to grow that can, over-time take on the form of disease/dis-ease, which can spread like a mass. Fear, allowed to grow and be propagated in the larger body of humanity, does the same thing. It spreads dis-ease that breaks apart that unifying power of love. It creates factions of irrational realities that profess a truth premised upon nothing else but fear.

We have come to falsely believe that fear spurs positive action, but the vibration we send out always has a way of returning to us. It also ripples out through the waves of our thoughts, our words and our actions, spreading through our individual body and to the entire body of humanity. It stirs the cells into panic-mode and creates concentration upon despair, the need to protect and to preserve at all costs, and the desire to flee the impending darkness. War sets in. It may be an involuntary war of sorts, as few really want to propagate war, but it is a war none-the-less. And, ultimately, this war that sets in, whether internally or externally (ultimately the internal war becomes external) manifested, serves no other purpose but to create division.

Although we may choose to adhere to a false belief that an eventual peace will come as a result of the war we have chosen to create, the cost is always life. Pieces of the whole are lost to fear in the belief that there is another that is separate. That this “otherness” is in some way a threat to our very existence, when in fact there is an ever-present core of light that vibrates to the frequency of love that unites all life. The same light, which is the energy of life that flows through me, also flows through you and all life. When there is a continual focus on division, without the intention to heal and understand that which creates a shadow over the true self, fear will be allowed to rule and spread its cancerous masses.

And so, it becomes the choice of the individual who is a part of the whole, what frequency s/he chooses to reside in. That with each breath, each word, each thought, and each action, there can be a conscious choice to grow fear, or to grow love.

 

 

The Body of Night

IMG_2531I enter the dark body of night to heal. To recover the parts of me that have been lost to fear over lifetimes.

I’ve always enjoyed putting together puzzles. The more intricate and mysterious the art of creation, the more I am drawn into the process of discovery. I have found no better place to build the puzzle of self than at night, where I can slip into the inky abyss of darkness where everything exists. It can take some cunning and a good dose of courage to find what I am looking for. Night is the place where veils dissolve, and the landscape of the soul is laid bare. It is the place where mysteries blinded by the sun become tangible when we are brave enough to extend our grasp into the black abyss.

Each dream that unfolds through Night becomes a path with a promise of a gift, or many if we can find them hidden amid the shadows. The dreams that cause the greatest tremor of emotion within our “sleeping” form, often hold the most sought-after treasures. I have learned to love nightmares, for they lay bare those pieces that lurk in the crevices of self, which can only be found after putting the easy and obvious together. They are the stuff of the inside that likes to hide, deceptively camouflaged within an unassuming palette. Yes, it is these gems I know seek, for each piece recovered brings me closer to the whole self that is Love.

Love. That is, after all, what it is all about. This quest we are all on. It is said that to love another, we must first love ourselves. I believe that the more fully we love ourselves, the more fully we love others. I believe we can only love in others, what we love in ourselves, and when we are able to accept and unite those aspects of self that are mirrored uncomfortably in others, we finally achieve the whole self that is Love. When we do this, we are loving not the fear in the form of anger, injustice or abuse, but the aspect of universal self beneath it that we all share. The piece of self yearning to be whole that was once love/loved is still, in essence, love.

Now when I discover a piece of self that has become disconnected over (life)time(s), and has forgotten love in favor of the energy of fear, I rejoice. My dreams are a tool, they work with me, taking me down the paths of self-recovery. They lead me to the source, where the hand of fear tries to hide the light. The clues to how I got there are always found in the scenes. Past lifetimes are revealed with vivid faces, costumes and languages I have not encountered in this lifetime, interwoven with a present-day landscape. It is not my job to judge, but to accept. It is not my task to hold on, but to effortlessly let go. I am brought here to seek, to find, and unite into love. I have learned that our fears do make us stronger, when we accept them with understanding, release the energy that traps and reunite the lost love.

 

 

 

Not broken

Seven days ago I broke my middle finger after a week of lessons and night healing. For more on this please read my post The Wounded Healer, which I have just revisited to add some clarification and edits (it was not a very polished post, please forgive me).  

The morning after I broke my finger, I was about to head downstairs to leave for my doctor’s appointment where I would learn what type of treatment I would be receiving for my break. The fracture was in the inside of my middle knuckle, and there was some speculation about a tendon being misplaced and the possibility of surgery. Now, as many of you know by now, I don’t tend to view occurrences as accidents. As I looked down at my finger, swollen and bruised, I heard the words inside my head, It’s not really broken.

I won’t go through the details of my brief visit with the orthopedist, but I will tell you how pleased I was to discover that my appointment had been made with a physician that took a nontraditional approach to breaks. Yes, my finger was fractured, but, as he told me, there was no reason I couldn’t heal it myself. Now, to be fair, I had not yet told him what I did for a living. I told only after he offered physical therapy referrals, etc. as options to help me recover full mobility after the swelling and pain went down.

To be honest, aside from the pain that occurred immediately after I fell, my finger didn’t hurt unless I over-did my attempts to bend or flex it. I walked out of the office in the elated air of slight disbelief, but I knew I could heal without help. I had never before broken a bone, but I was ready for the challenge.

One week later, I can form a fist, albeit not a tight one, and flex my finger fully. What did I do to heal? I trusted my body. Except through client healing, I never channeled healing energy through my hands. This healing, I knew, needed to come from within. It wasn’t hard, I simply allowed the process to occur.

All healing ultimately comes from within, from allowing and trusting that we hold inside of us the infinite capacity to be whole. That, in fact, our body and soul desire this more than anything else. This is why I share my story with you. When we think perhaps that we are broken, when we even have a fragmented bone to prove it to ourselves, we always have the choice to heal.

Healing what we think is broken can be a beautiful journey to self. I needed this break, along with the lessons of last week, in order to progress on my journey to Truth. That soft fire within me needed to be ignited, and the old flames of fears burned away. 

 

The Gift of Night

I used to go to sleep with Fear. When I was a child, I would check the shadowed corners of my room to see if a ghost, or some other unwelcome presence, was lurking there. Three glances for each corner, then I’d quickly tuck myself into bed, pulling the sides of the covers like a cocoon around my head with only my face exposed so I could breath. My army of stuffed animals stood guard around the perimeter of my bed, yet my heart would often race my frantic thoughts to sleep.

More than the dark, I was afraid of what was hidden inside of it. I was raised with the belief that ghosts were not real and a fear of the dark was irrational, but my fear was real. It stayed with me long into adulthood and has only diminished over the past few years. Before it left though, Worry started moving in to take its place. Since Worry is a companion to Fear, it merely took the upper-hand of an already present relationship.

Instead fearing “imaginary” ghosts and demons, my mind played with Worry. As many of us do, I re-worried past events, going through the day’s circumstances that caused frustration or other unpleasant emotions within me. Instead of letting the past settle, I dug it back up and resisted sleep as I sifted through what I could no longer retrieve. Sometimes, I’d move into the future, creating a world of what-ifs and maybes, mostly centered around the emotion of worry.

As I have learned to live more fully in the present, I have found it easier to leave Worry and Fear behind when I tuck myself into bed at night. Most nights I go to bed with feelings of relief, gratitude and expectation. In the soft cocoon of darkness, nestled under my covers (I still tuck them around my head, some habits stick fast), I welcome the unimpeded drift of the mind.

The veil that Ego grips more tightly during the day, quietly dissolves at night when our minds drifts into the intermediary realm that occurs before sleep takes over. In this space Spirit moves freely and, when we are open to it, we travel and commune with our spirit guides, angels and other  beings of light that we often over-look during the daytime. It is a time, I believe, filled with magic. Oh the things I have seen! The places I’ve been! Now I await bedtime with the anticipation of a child on the eve of Christmas. Oh the gifts I have opened!

Art by Karen Kubicko
Art by Karen Kubicko

If  you are used to going to sleep holding the hands of Fear and Worry, try releasing them. Welcome instead, the gentle embrace of Love. Imagine what wonders you will find!

The Grace of Deer

deer

It seems a day rarely passes for me without the gracing presence of deer. Whether I am walking, or driving my car, these beautiful animals are passing into my life this spring to remind me that all birth takes grace and patience. That when we allow ourselves to embrace the full beauty of our lives and our gifts, we will birth new beginnings with greater ease and abundance.

The deer is a silent creature of the forest. In fact, its ability to be quiet and camouflage into its surroundings is its best defense against predators. That, and its ability to stop and listen, and, when necessary, run with swiftness and grace.

The deer is an animal that embodies great beauty without being a threat to others. Even the male deer is a symbol of majestic strength without the attachments of danger and fear. Deer reminds us that we can be strong and confident without being arrogant and overt. That when we embody this grace and beauty, we attract the awe and respect of others without the trappings of jealousy or malice.

Deer is an animal that does not hibernate, but is always quietly present in and around the forest. It knows how to adapt and survive in a place where danger lurks beside magic and abundance. The adult male deer, with its rack of antlers, can remind us of our psychic abilities, and our access to divine guidance and higher truths. Ted Andrews, in his book Animal Speak recommends counting the number of points on a stag’s antlers to gleam greater insight on its message for you. This may also be applied to a herd of deer, if you see one. Count the number and then look it up and see if this adds greater meaning to the message of this animal encounter.

It is also important to check in with your own thoughts and life circumstances when deer appears for you. What is deer telling you about your life? Connect with the spirit of the deer through intent and see if you receive a message.

Andrews associates deer with the number 5, in particular, because it takes 5 years for a deer to grow the largest rack of antlers. He states that the deer may be telling you to look for new growth, especially intuitive/perceptive growth to occur within the next 5 years. The number 5 is associated with change and activity, and also inner strength.

If you are about to have a new baby, or if you have a young child at home, the deer can remind you of the importance of nurturing and protecting your child from outside energies and influences. This can be applied to anyone, not only infants and young children. The deer is a vigilant and attentive caregiver, reminding us of our own need for self-care in a world permeated with too much fear.

This morning, when I encountered a deer, it was literally running away in fear. I was walking with a friend and we had our dogs with us. Not coincidentally, we had been talking about the fears we had for our children in a world where we could not always count on them being safe.

When you see a deer, stop for a moment and check in with your own fears. Ask yourself what is holding you back. Is there something, fear-based, that needs releasing? Do you need to trust more? To embrace the beautiful gifts you are reluctant to birth? Are you being kind and gentle to yourself and others?

Take a moment to listen. Deer have wonderfully large ears. What do you hear?

Love

It’s one of those words that is as complex as it is simple. Love. Last night, in the moments before sleep, I thought about love, and what it has meant to me in this lifetime. Overcome by a sudden wave of emotion, I realized my soul was asking me to release still more of the dense energy that I have accumulated as a barrier to allowing a complete, unobstructed flow of love energy.

Although I work with the energy of love to heal others, I am also still healing myself. Even though love is the ultimate state and expression of the free soul, many of us carry with us the energy of fear. We are, quite simply, afraid to open up completely into what our egos tell us is the vulnerable state of love. We fear rejection. We fear that we will give love unconditionally and it will not be returned, or worse, we fear we will be betrayed by our love. Our fear creates patterns that are hard to break.

As a child I accepted that love was something that must be earned, even at the sacrifice of my inner truth. I wanted, like all children do, to be loved at all costs. To whom I gave my love to was a choice that I thought was not my own. As a result, love turned into a concept that was muddy and confusing. Love, for me, was complex and dangerous, and it often resulted in pain.

I traded love in for loyalty. I traded love to survive. Yet, still I loved in my desperate and silent way, sacrificing my inner-self along the way. I found myself loving the “wrong” family members, the “wrong” pet, the “wrong” friends and the “wrong” boys, and as a result I welcomed in the greedy energy of betrayal and pain. I was an easy target. When we consistently send out the message of, “I love you, but I must not deserve your love in return,” or “I want to love you, but I am afraid to,” we cannot fully receive the pure energy of love without the trappings of fear.

Through fear we impose a complexity to love that does not exist when love is in its pure, unconditional form. Although love is the highest, purest frequency of energy that exists, it often takes great courage to live in it fully. We, as humans, have complicated our world with fear and all its restraints and conditions. Breaking away from them can make us feel vulnerable, when, in reality, it opens up our inner strengths. It frees our trapped voices. It leads us to our pure, divine, essence.

When we embrace the truth that love is our truth; that love is our divine right to give and receive in pure form, we open ourselves to all of its gifts. Through the family I have created I have learned (and am still learning) this lesson. Love ripples back. It attracts to equal frequency. Pure, unconditional love, frees the soul’s truth. When we get there, we realize there are no constraints. We realize that there is no rejection or pain. We realize that it does not matter that our love cannot always be “returned” to match our frequency, not because we are unlovable, but because a fear exists that may not be our own.

Love, in reality, opens doors, it breaks barriers. When we live in the frequency of love, we free not only ourselves, but raise the collective energy of the world, helping to release the sticky web of fear.

Toxic Energy

 

 

Sometimes in life we encounter energy that is so wonderful, it transforms us into a state of pure joy. While in that energy, and hopefully for sometime after, our own energetic vibration is raised to match the frequency of the being that is emanating this bliss. This could be a person, a group of people, an animal, or even a place in nature. I need only to walk into the woods with an uncluttered heart, and I feel lighter and happier than I was when I left my house. The energy of love is always nearby, we just need to allow ourselves to tune into it.

Sadly, some people are so consumed by their lower vibrating emotions that they rarely, if ever, allow themselves to harmonize with the frequency of joy, or, what I like to call, pure love. The lower vibrating energies of anger, fear, hate and pain weigh our bodies down, and they leave their shadows behind, even when their source as moved elsewhere. Have you ever walked into a place, even if it is devoid of people, and felt an over-whelming sadness, or maybe even a flash of anger? I remember years ago, walking along the trail of an old battlefield and feeling consumed with despair, even though it was a bright sunny day. I was having a nice outing with my husband and young children, and had no logical reason to be suddenly sad. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I was feeling the energy of grief and despair left by people who had lost their lives at that site, lingering, still, centuries later.

For those of us particularly sensitive to energies, we easily reap the rewards of being around high vibrations, but also suffer more from energy that is dense. In some cases this energy is even toxic to our beings. This has been a tough lesson for me to learn, and I am, to this day, still dealing with how to know when to remove myself from energy that feels toxic to my body and soul. And, then, there is the question of how to cut the cords.

As I suspect is true of most empaths, I could safely say I started feeling and absorbing the energies around me even before birth. Studies have show that an emotionally and/or physically stressed pregnant mother is more likely to have a baby that is colicky, under-weight, and/or will suffer from emotional dis-ease in life.

 

If a child is brought into the world knowing the energies of fear, and then finds that her world outside the womb is filled with the same, she will need to figure out, instinctively, how to survive inside an environment that is in many ways toxic to her health. I use the world health in the broadest sense possible.

Those of us who know, too well, what it is like to live in energies derived predominately from fear, are likely to have a more difficult time cutting their toxic cords. Until we learn that these energies cannot have a hold on us, unless we allow them to, we will continue to encounter their desperate grasp.

I find this idea complicated by having a family and being in circumstances where I need to recognize how a situation, or an individual(s), is affecting no only me, but my young children, and sometimes, my husband. I find myself asking the questions: Is this person or situation only toxic to me? How are my children reacting when they are around this energy? Is there a benefit to being around this person or in this situation, and, if so, does it out-weigh the cost(s)?

Here is where it gets particularly tricking, because I truly believe that underneath all that heavy energy, there is pure love. If I allow myself to enter a meditative state and align with the soul energies of people who appear toxic in my life, I am able to see them in their true essence, and always their higher-selves vibrate in the energy of pure love. Yet, this alone does not solve the dilemma of what to do in this life with the dominate energies we allow ourselves to receive from these people and circumstances.

I have learned to wear stones and crystals, to seal the holes in my energy field, and, if need be, to clear the imprints of dense energies, yet I have to admit, I would prefer not to. I’d love to life in a world where I only encounter (and, I should add, send out), the frequency of love. Sadly, this world, on Earth, does not yet exist.

As I write this, I long for an easy, or at least a clear-cut answer. Perhaps it is there and I have yet to find it. For me the answer is complex, as there is always a loss. Someone will often suffer from whatever decision I make (at least in my mind), and I suspect it’s that nagging guilt that I so easily align to, that keeps me from making a clean separation.

 

Surrender

surrender

The concept of surrender keeps appearing to me, during my days and nights. It comes cloaked in the words of my friends; it creeps into dreams on the back of nightmares; it shows up in the mirror.

My energy healer brought surrender to my attention recently, citing her own struggles, while gently nudging me to recognize mine own. Over the past week the call of surrender has appeared in myriad forms, making me aware of how universal its voice is.

When I explore the idea of surrender, I think about what binds us. Surrender, quite simply, is the opposite of resistance. Consider the pull of gravity as you climb a hill; consider the push of oars as you paddle your canoe against a strong river current; consider the tug of a child wanting to run free of your clutch.

What does it feel like to resist? What does it feel like to let go? What are you holding onto? I find what I am holding onto each night in my dreams. Here I struggle to let go of my fears, and some nights I experience the bliss of letting go.

We resist out of fear, and the impulse to control our fate and the fate of circumstance that are ultimately beyond our control. Resistance creates knots is our stomachs, our shoulders, and our necks. It quite literally traps the flow of our energy centers, densely packing pockets that bind. Resistance creates imbalance both internally and externally. The flow of energy inside of us is impeded, as well as the energy that we give and receive externally – that beautiful state of balance our souls seek to achieve with the universal flow of energy.

Consider the effects of letting go – of surrendering as you go about the day – and notice what is causing you to constrict the easy flow of your energy. Perhaps your trigger will be a misplaced phone, being late for a meeting, a beautiful home you see in a magazine, a jar of pickles that you are sure you purchased, but never made their way into your pantry, or the feeling of illness trying to manifest itself inside your cells.

What is it like to experience your triggers of resistance? How do they make you feel? When I think of the opposite of resistance – surrender, I see an eagle or a hawk soaring with the currents of wind; I think of a leaf, floating gently down a stream; I think of a healthy, radiant, balanced body. For me these are images of absolute freedom, and represent the beautiful, natural flow of energy.

Many spiritual leaders are calling our attention to the surge of flu outbreaks and other widespread illnesses that our occurring right now, as a reminder of what we are individually and collectively holding onto. For, when we let our fears bind us to tightly, we make an easy host to illness. Now, more than ever, as we seek to move into higher frequencies of existence, we are being nudged (sometimes not too gently), to let go of resistance. It all, of course, comes down to fear, and sometimes it’s so deep-seated we don’t know where to begin to untie its cords. Yet, with each snip of release – each surrender to what is beyond our “control” – we move closer to a state of peace and freedom. We move closer to the harmonic frequency of love.

For a wonderful (and soothing) example of the harmonious flow of energy, please watch this Bird Ballet video:
http://www.thisiscolossal.com/2013/01/bird-ballet-thousands-of-birds-dance-in-the-sky/

The Forest & the Chickadee

Last night, before I entered fully the realm of dreams, I found myself inside a lush green forest. Before me was a large fallen tree covered with moss, and flitting atop the felled tree was a chickadee. For several moments I watched the chickadee, wondering as I did, what it was trying to show or tell me. The chickadee never took flight, but rather hopped around on the log, pecking at it and then looking in my direction. That was it.

Before I fell into sleep, I remember telling myself that I needed to recall this vision I was given the next morning. I knew there was a message, but, as often happens during these moments before sleep, I was unable fully to decipher it at the time it was occurring. Throughout the morning and into the afternoon I thought often of that chickadee in the forest. It was not the first time I had paid attention to these social birds and their messages, but it was the first time one had visited me before sleep.

Chickadee, the bird of Truth. It was, I knew, no accident that this bird had visited me on the night of such an important date. 12-12-12. Yesterday was not only a day to receive and send out Love, it was a day to face our fears. I saw clearly during mediation that my second and fifth chakras were still holding onto past pain and, as much as I wanted them to spin in their full vibrancy, I knew they were lagging with residual density.

The 2nd and 5th chakras are intimately linked. Together they spin the energies of our creative truths, something important for a writer of truth. This morning I mailed a chapter of my memoir to a publisher. I sent the second chapter, and although I tried to deny it, I felt the tether of fear and guilt. Intellectually it’s easy to explain away our fears, especially when we can see that logically they are unfounded. Inside the forest of the heart though, we find the truth.

I took my dogs for a walk this afternoon, as is my custom. Instead of going into the forest, we walked around the adjoining neighborhoods. The first trigger to meet me came in the form of a large German Shepard, who bounded, seemingly out of no where, towards me and my two dogs. Immediately fear came rushing in (most of my live I have feared  dogs, having two of my own has healed much of this). Thankfully, I recovered quickly from my initial impulse to flee by stepping into my heart-center and sending the energy of love out to the dog. Although he followed us for a little while, he seemed to want to play more than anything else, and I calmly encouraged him to “go home,” until, finally, he did.

Apparently that was just a warm-up. Later in the walk I found myself picking the blown plastic bags and other garbage off the side of the road, as I often do, and stuffing it all into a grocery bag I had found. Since I was also holding a dog leash in each hand, I looked around and contemplated the trash toters lining the road-side. Which one should I put it in? I peered into one with a half-broken lid, and, seeing trash inside, tossed it in. I could hear the engine of the garbage truck in the distance. It would not be there for long. No harm done, or so I thought. No sooner had I tossed the bag in, then the owner of the house came rushing out his front door in a full rage. His words were heated and to the point. He didn’t want my dog waste smelling up his trash can, and I needed to remove it (I won’t repeat his actual words). Again, I felt my heart race in reaction. I was just trying to clean up your neighborhood, I wanted to say. Instead, a jumble of words came out as I tried to explain to this enraged individual that I was not throwing away my dogs’ waste, but the trash I had collected on the side of the road. I needn’t have bothered though, he didn’t want to hear it. Before I could finish, he was back int the house and I was left flustered and feeling like I had just failed a test. I retrieved the bag and went home.

I knew that man’s anger was not about me, that I was just the excuse he was looking for to let of steam. I knew that my actions were well-intended, even if I had made a “mistake” by choosing his trash can, but that awful feeling stayed with me throughout the day.  I grew up with a man not unlike this man, and I was bullied in school. I was used to feeling guilty for doing nothing wrong. I was used to taking un-deserved blame. I was used to being the victim. But, I had hoped I was finally free of it.

We get these triggers in our lives when we need reminders that we still have aspects of ourselves we need to pay attention to and heal. Later, when I was back home and had settled down a bit, I decided to meditate. Entering that heart-centered place of Love, I envisioned a soft pink energy around my neighbor’s home. I felt, with empathy, what it was like to live there, and what it was like to be him. I understood his anger and his fear, I saw how it was linked to mine. I knew we were meant to have this interaction today, and I sent the energy of love and forgiveness to us both.

Sometimes life’s lessons hit us hard and by surprise. One day we’re feeling great, the next defeated by a test. Each test, though, is our opportunity to learn. I knew, as a healer, I could send love to this individual, and I also realized, I needed some healing of my own.