Aham Prema & the Inner Fugitive


My journey with the mantra Aham Prema, “I Am Divine Love,” continues, pulling me deeper within to examine the origins of fears that hold back the full light of the divine self. Love’s opposite is not hate, but fear. Hate and all its friends are byproducts of fear.

In the first post I wrote about working with the mantra Aham Prema, I talked about the constriction I felt in my throat. The journey through this pathway to the voice of inner truth continues. Almost every night I note in my journal some point of evidence about my throat being worked like a muscle. I also make note of the sensations felt in my heart and third eye chakras. The heart feels as though it wants to be free of another barrier, while the brow seeks the expansion of the inner Light.

In my Silent Eye School of Consciousness studies, I am working with the energy of the inner fugitive, an aspect of the self that can reside in a habitual state of fear and hiding. The mantra Aham Prema adds to the intensity of the work, pulling me into depths I have, I realize, avoided exploring. I will call this place terror: that aspect of extreme fear that holds the tightest binds around the true-self. Irrational terror, if one considers only this lifetime, but I cannot.

The signs are too many. They appear everywhere. While I walk, I see the number 6, where the inner fugitive likes to reside on the Enneagram, in a murder of crows one day. Another day, it appears as a bevy of doves. My dreams at night bring me deeper, pulling me to places of extremes to test the reins of fear binding the fugitive-self. One night, while I am on a ship being pulled underwater, I realize I am no longer afraid of “drowning.” Yet, in the same night, I find myself cowering away from an archway of the gods filling the sky with its awesome presence. One glance tells me I haven’t reached Faith without doubt of the Divine.

Aham Prema. “I Am Divine Love.” To open the light within, one must also surrender to the light without, knowing that when the reins of fear are broken there is no division.

When I go to sleep after day 7 of working with the mantra, I dream of artichokes in muffins presented by Sue Vincent, my mentor. Later, my animal totem Eagle appears. Eagle has been a faithful and revelatory guide. Years ago, Eagle brought me the vision of a past life that is significant to this journey.

By day 10 I start to succumb to a cold virus which, it will be no surprise, begins with a sore throat before it works its way to the sinuses, causing pain from the pressure built up in my temples and forehead. From here it travels down the channel of the throat into the heart chakra where the lungs start to fill with fluid residue.

Later in the day, I see 6 crows in the sky, circling and calling out.

Later in the evening I go into a meditation and find I am pulled into the forest nearby my house, to a place I have not walked in years. It is a forest path lined with evergreens. Years ago, when I first walked the path with my late dog Daisy, my mind brought me to a reoccurring nightmare from childhood. The dream was of sheer terror, and each night it would wake me at the same moment when the voice of fear tried to escape from my throat. It was a dream of fleeing through a forest of pines which, I later discovered through meditation and healing work, held the imprint of terror from a past life when I tried to flee from the Nazis through an evergreen woods. During my meditation, waves of healing pass through me as my body begins to release the binds of its terror.

When I fall into sleep later, Daisy visits me in a dream. My beloved companion who taught me that forests are places of magic and elemental love, and not to be feared, as returned for a night.

On day 11 I cannot practice the 54 repetitions I have been chanting every night.  My throat is too sore, and my body is beyond fatigued. I need to rest.

And so I find myself at the edge of faith with my soul asking me, Will you release the residue of fear that remains to open fully to the Light? Will you stand naked to Love in the arms of Faith?

Yoga When You Are Not Used To Love

Yellow rose in garden
A Rose Opens to Light

I have started working with the mantra Aham Prema, which translated into English means “I am Divine Love.” 54 repetitions with the mala beads brings my voice outside of myself to a state beyond insecurity. My body becomes a humming vibration of energy amplified by the back of my throat. Constriction releases as I settle into the frequency of the ancient notes of Sanskrit.

“I am Divine Love.” Aham Prema.

Quite some time ago, I was sitting in a pub with a friend of mine. We were talking about yoga, and she was telling me how it brings her to a state of discomfort. “It’s like welcoming the divine into your body,” she stated.

Aham Prema. “I am Divine Love.”

Is this not what we all seek? Yoga, and all that it encompasses, for it is not merely a series of poses, asks us to let the divine into our bodies. This energy of unconditional love. As we open ourselves up to the practice, we cannot help but let this energy in, and at the same time, the divine in us becomes ignited.

What if, though, we are not used to unconditional love? To being loved by ourselves in this state, as well as by others?

Dissolving the barriers of conditioning is not an easy process. We must become naked to our true selves. Is there a more vulnerable act?

Aham Prema. “I am Divine Love.” Say it out loud. Where do you feel it? Where does this mantra take you?

I am brought to the throat, the place where the history of constriction of my truth is held. The power of my own voice, I notice with the first repetition of this sound feels uncomfortable. There is the impulse to cringe at what my brain wants to perceive as disharmony. The false voice of the critic creeps in to takes its accustomed place of silencing. Yet, I continue on. I move the beads through my right hand, holding place with my left. I feel my voice grow in strength.

Aham Prema.

By bead 10, I discover my voice has taken on a life of its own. It fills me with its resonance. I no longer care if it sounds pretty because I am already drawn into its raw power.

Aham Prema.

I am Divine Love.