How to Paint a Cathedral (Ceiling) from an Amateur’s Perspective

 A Perfect Backdrop
A Perfect Backdrop

Start on a cloudless morning when the sky is the color of Truth, it provides an ideal backdrop. When one is constantly stretching the neck open, you can’t ask for a better way to welcome in the energy of blue.

 

The Bare Necessities
The Bare Necessities

Aside from the obvious: paint, brush and a wet cloth to catch the drips, you’ll want to bring along a the phone so you don’t trip down the stairs, forgetting to wipe your hands on the wet cloth along the way, only to have the answering machine beat you to the last ring. A water bottled with a nice capped lid is also handy to avoid that unquenchable thirst for unpainted water. Then there’s the camera. Instead of photographing your progress, why not use it as an excuse to peer out those open windows that are keep you from passing out from the VOCs you’re inhaling in your open mouth (Which brings me to another important tip – the tilted head has a natural tendency to cause the mouth to hang open. This is no good. Remember, keep it clamped shut, least you want to drink the VOCs too. If you need to breathe, use your nose!).

Do bring along a companion or two, they’ll keep you company and cheer you along (in some cases telepathically) when the fire burning the back of your neck makes you want to throw the brush out the window and jump into the welcoming hot tub below – don’t do it! It’s only a delusion of your chemically-influenced mind. The fall to the dirt below will likely break your neck and that’s not the ending you want.

Remember to listen to your bladder and your stomach. This will save you from having an unfortunate accident before your masterpiece is completed. Speaking of masterpieces, only one of us (at the most) has been lucky enough to be reincarnate as Michelangelo (not me!), it behooves the rest of us to remember that a couple drips and lumps along the way add character. At least that’s the story I’m going with, although I did discover a day late this handy tip: When you’re painting a 9 1/2 foot ceiling and happen to add one of those unfortunate lumps of dried paint to your roller, the edge of the roller provides a nice scraper. I now understand the logic behind popcorn ceilings, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that crystal dust will do the trick!

Remember, Patience is a Virtue
Remember, Patience is a Virtue

Keep telling yourself, it will all be over soon, and if you’er lucky, the inside will look as lovely as the outside.

Outside a Window
Outside a Window